Raising Kids of Color in Today's World
Raising Kids of Color in Today's World
“I have to face it with anxiety everyday. It is frustrating to not be able to express my fear and on a daily basis, I am reminded or told that I should be optimistic because my kids are good. People who suggest that don’t understand what it feels like.”
Simple things most of us take for granted cause fear and anxiety for Alma who worries on a daily basis whether or not her son should drive since most of the violent occurrences that we have seen lately have happened behind the wheel.According to the Washington Post, analyses of police killings show that the numbers have increased in 2016 compared to 2015. In the first six months of 2015, 465 people were shot and killed by police, in the first six months of 2016, 495 people were shot and killed by the police. With those staggering numbers how could a mother not fear for their children on the daily?Alma talks about the media’s representation of black folks as scary. According to the color of change report card in NYC.
Local news stations are representing 3 out of every 4 criminals as Black (75%), when the NYPD’s actual Black arrest rate is only 2 out of 4 people (51%).
When media is representing an entire group of people with such biased opinions, how as as a community can we trust these organizations? How are we able to make choices or have beliefs that are honest when it is virtually impossible to know if we are being fed the truth or a lie? You can read more here. Society is being conditioned to see Alma's children as a threat. Due to media, they are being conditioned to think there is a 75% chance they are "the bad guy."Alma’s daughter was raised in Alabama for 15 years.
"Jill was also not able to feel safe expressing her lesbian intersection. The south tends to really live up to the reputation of being the bible belt, and since we were already seen as outliers of that small, southern town, there was no way she was coming out in her high school. She had been an exceptionally strong student until she entered her final year of middle school, and became disconnected from the inequality and hypocrisy of her public school. Required reading was always the same--from a white, (usually male) perspective. She was always taught the importance of a truly culturally competent education. How can kids have high self-esteem when they don't know about the contributions of their own culture?"
Alma’s son was in the top 5 percent of his grade in academics but he was often kicked out of class, due to his behavior.
"I knew the stats about black boys being suspended and disciplined more often than their white peers, and how that isolation and exclusion leads to more behavior problems, and more restrictive environments."
If our school systems are not prepared to teach all children how can all children even have a chance to succeed. If an entire group or groups of children are not being educated and are having to be expelled - we need to adjust our teaching methods, training and styles rather than kick out an entire community of students. Read More hereAlma could schools was a direct pipeline to prison and that the methods of teaching were not adapted for children, but children were supposed to conform to the main stream. When she would visit the school her son was always in the hallway. The teachers would tell her there was something wrong with him, that something was odd. Teachers repeatedly told her he needed to be tested.
"I remember when Chris's piano teacher found out that he was on the honor roll--she remarked that she was shocked and thought he was going to turn into a juvenile delinquent. Eventually, I put him in a small, private school--and he graduated from Stevenson School in 2014. He was the reason I returned to the Bay--I wanted him to experience diversity in his neighborhood and school."
According to an article by PBS, There are few solutions but the statistics are mind-boggling.
"It is difficult to pinpoint the exact reason for the school-to-prison pipeline. Many attribute it to the zero tolerance policies that took form after the 1999 Columbine High School massacre. Others blame educators, accusing them of pushing out students who score lower on standardized tests in order to improve the school’s overall test scores. And some blame overzealous policing efforts. The reasons are many, but the solutions are not as plentiful. So how bad is the school-to-prison pipeline? See the stats for yourself"
I have been a special education teacher for 17 years. IDEA was created to give every child a free and appropriate education. When the number of students of one group of people are so over-represented in special education, don’t we think it is time to change the approach to teaching instead of changing the labels that the kids are burdened with?Data presented in the 2000 Annual Report has shown that over-representation of African American students in special education is a problem that undermines efforts to provide equitable education for all children in this country. In the 1998-1999 school year, African American students were:
- 2.9 times as likely as white students to be labeled mentally retarded.
- 1.9 times as likely to be labeled emotionally disturbed.
- 1.3 times as likely to be labeled as having a learning disability.
You can read more here.Many of us are able to take for granted everyday situations. Alma's son walks to the bus stop everyday where two boys were shot at the hands of the police. Since the boys didn’t die and there was very little media coverage, most don’t even know that it happened. She lives in fear that she could lose her son at anytime.As a mother, you want to be able to share the good of humanity. You want your children to feel loved and respected. However, Alma walks through her neighborhood seeing the confederate flag displayed proudly. How do you help to make your children feel safe when the very symbols they see everyday represent the hate against them from a system of oppression.
“To many African-Americans, the Confederate flag is a symbol of racial terrorism. It represents the battle fought over the enslavement of black people. It is a symbol of resistance to the civil rights of African-Americans. It represents years of lynching, Jim Crow, and black suffering. It served as an emblem of racial hatred of blacks and other ethnic minorities for many hate groups throughout history, including the Ku Klux Klan and the Aryan Nations. And most recently, the flag served as a symbol of white supremacy and terrorism for Roof.”
You can read more here.Can you imagine having to look at this flag, a symbol of their subservience, in a liberal city no less? Alma would like to see people reach out and ask if others are okay. Hear their stories and let them express pain, fear and anxiety. She has tried to talk with co-workers but they try to divert her attention to positive things. She is a mother, a mother terrified that she could lose her children to a system that doesn't value them. How can she focus on the positive until there are changes for the safety of her children. She doesn't want to talk about the weather. She wants to talk about real change in this world and to feel supported as a mother as she goes through life with real terrors.
“I value authenticity. This is fucked up. I don’t know what to do. I am obsessed with this. This is a daily living experience and people don’t want to talk about it. They won't reach out and make sure that I am okay or that others are okay.”
She says that sometimes as a family they have to retreat when the media is so negative. The world doesn’t feel safe anymore. She feels the pressure of remaining calm because she has a black son. She has a daughter and thinks of Sandra Bland. She has had to have discussions with her children about exactly what you should do and say when stopped by the police. She said that all of her friends of color have discussed how they have to talk about being pulled over with their kids and what it could mean. It is life or death, they could end up in jail or die.As a white person, I have never had to have that conversation with my mother and when I am pulled over I am most often given a warning and told what I did wrong and not to do it again. I am usually spoken to with respect. How would it be if as a culture, you were not safe with those that were hired to protect?
“Language has not changed since police were original slave catchers. It is not acceptable to not talk about these things.”
With Klan members stepping up in support of Donald Trump they are definitely getting more visibility these days. You can read more here. Raising kids in a fear-based society with people who hate her children just because of the color of their skin has to be heart wrenching as a mother.Alma only goes where she thinks it is safe. I am very aware of walking with a black man when I am walking with my son who looks older than he is. Just a small example was when they were taking their dog for a walk across from their apartment and an unleashed dog ran up. Her son gave the other dog owner a dirty look and the other person started yelling and cursing at him. Her son knew that he couldn’t say anything because it isn’t safe as a black man. Alma talks about the anguish you can have as a mother… as a woman in todays society.I asked her what she would you tell the white community?
“I make it a point to tell my kids, who have all kinds of friends, that you have to get past the Facebook friendships. You have to develop meaningful relationships. How can YOU take one step past superficial relationships? An ally has to call out injustices, they have to make and have meaningful relationships with people. Privilege is a pretty word but we have to acknowledge injustice. What are you doing about racism? What does it feel like reaching out to your friends? Go past sympathy to empathy and to significant relationships. The small things you take for granted are the things that I have to fear, her son or daughter driving, school, and people that are put in place to protect."“I always feel good about having an honest conversation of the – isms, racism in particular.”
Remembering our first meeting at the restaurant, I asked her how she and her family were able to stay so kind and so thoughtful.
“Other than the food, you look for a safe space where you are valued and I recognize a safe space here, which is when you come back to a place. You came to our table and made us feel valued. I am always hesitant when I walk in the place. People don’t always come to our table or make us feel welcome. I don’t have to spend my money anywhere so I do it in places that make me feel safe and welcome.”
In loving thoughts to Alma and her family, take time to connect and make sure your friends feel safe or have a safe space. People need a support system that lets them talk and have real feelings and to be vulnerable with people who care about them. Try to be that person. Make sure you are speaking out on behalf of the injustices of the world. “Go past sympathy to empathy and to significant relationships.” You are part of the change. All people deserve to feel safe and loved in this society. Have honest conversations about the –isms. Help to create more safe spaces for all people.
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